The Biggest Piece of Meat

As someone who is recently divorced. I have spent the last few months trying to figure out what happened. I'm not sure if I have come to any conclusions. For what good it is, I have decided to write and publish my thoughts on the subject here. I've decided that it is cathartic to get these thoughts completely out of my system. I'm hoping that this brings me some peace. To the extent that it may help someone searching for answers about their own personal relationship and assisting them to coming to a conclusion this wasn't my intention, but if that happens I'd be pleased. For those of you I inevitably piss off. My apologies. If you don't like it, then don't read it.
I know that for some, the reasons of a divorce are private. Its something that you do not publicly discuss. Things just didn't work out and that happens 50% of the time here in US if the figures I've read are correct. I'm coming to believe that we should be more open about things. That there are times when privacy leads to misunderstanding and fear. That in order to come clean there are issues that are simply not private and maybe we should reconsider evaluating and discussing them openly. I also know that when people find out that you have divorced they begin to draw their own conclusions and gossip about you. I can only guess that its related to the whole privacy conundrum that I mentioned earlier and people feeling like they couldn't discuss it with you in the first place.

Before my formal divorce was underway, I had begun reading Laura Berman. She writes about women's sexuality and relationships. I listened to her just recently on Oprah and suddenly a light went on for me. Now, I know that Laura Berman may be a sore subject. I gave my ex some CD's of hers to listen to and he nearly went ballistic about it. He articulated that he already knew all of this stuff and I was the one who needed to listen. Well, if you don't like it don't listen, but I believe she says a lot of relevant things that men should know about and feel comfortable with.

On the Oprah Show, Laura Berman articulated that in evolutionary terms women looked for men who were able to provide them (and their young) with the largest piece of meat. Now that women don't necessarily need men to provide them with that, she said that it will be interesting to see how it impacts our relationships.

I can tell you that at first, that statement just like lots of other statements went into my memory and didn't connect to much. It wasn't until I had this dream about my ex that it really impacted me. In my dream, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I screamed, "You didn't support us!" I was crying horribly and then I woke up and proceeded to cry some more.

In my relationship, I did not feel supported. I held a lot of resentment because I was the one who was financially accountable. My ex could care less if the bills were paid. He was irresponsible with money and he did not support his family. He contributed when begged, but I worked from the time my children were infants. I was constantly doing budgets and asking my husband to come up with his half of the finances in our household. I felt as though I was begging him to do what I knew good and damn well he should just do without necessarily being nagged about it.

In the book, and probably in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" I read one ridiculous scenario after another. I should have understood that his inability to support us, was his way of showing me that he really didn't love me at all, EVER. In the book they consistently write to a formula that goes something like this: If a guy does x or y that means? The answer is almost always, "He's Just Not That Into You". Now that hilarious commentary would have saved me a whole bunch of time, if I had bought into it, but I didn't. Plus, I just didn't take the book or the movie seriously, but I read it nontheless.

If that book is too annoying and you want a more formalized discussion you might read Hendrix because he also discusses the importance of the man being the provider in a relationship. I knew this stuff, but I readily disregarded it. Why? Maybe because I believe that women should work. I believe in equality and I don't think I necessarily need to be taken care of, because I can take care of myself. Unfortunately, what I failed to resolve is the fact that what I believe and the deep seeded biological maybe even instinctive messages were forcing me down another path altogether.

At first, my ex and I communicated about this issue. We even tried to try to work through it.
Unfortunately, the way that we worked through it was that I paid the bills and he needed to pay his half. Over time, I realized that it might be easier if I simply became the responsible one. I came to hate nagging him to pay. As I became more responsible and more financially successful I felt less enthused about my marriage. I could pay the bills by myself. This wasn't the outcome, I was working so hard for and now a decade had gone by. Yes, I wasted an entire decade!

Now that the bills were paid my ex-husband complained about affection. I couldn't see what he was moaning about. Shouldn't he be happy that his wife was taking on a majority of the financial burden? Shouldn't he be happy that he was allowed to pursue his vocational dreams, which included owning a non-profitable car business for several years? In any case, I completely withdrew physically from the relationship. "No meat = no affection" was my instinctive calculation. I didn't withdraw consciously, it was a subconscious thing for me. I couldn't figure out what was wrong no matter how much I read or how much therapy we scheduled. In therapy, I felt as though we never got to the heart of things and now I realize that there were just too many layers of resentment to overcome. Even though I repeatedly said the finances were okay, they really were not. I was paying the bills and I knew I didn't really need his contribution. His inability to support us ruined any connection that we had. Further, I didn't really understand why he had begun to treat me badly. I cooked, I cleaned, I paid bills, I worked and it seemed the more I did the worse off I was! Finally, I decided that he just didn't love me anymore and that's when I told him. He didn't even try to deny it. I have just come to the conclusion he didn't love me whatsoever.

I now believe that sometimes men chase attractive women who are smart, wonderful, and fun because that's what they are told to desire. It doesn't mean that they love you though. Even if you are in a marriage, it doesn't mean that they love you. So, for me the question now that I have figured this out is: What are you going to do now?

Well, I'm not sure just yet. I don't know if this evolutionary thing can be overcome. It does not mean that I won't date or go out, but surely I'm not interested in marriage or even a relationship at this point. I have lots of hobbies. My children, work, and friends keep me really busy. Maybe I don't even need anyone to love me. Love thyself and enjoy the steak ladies.

Rio Rancho High School Registrar Draft Letter

Lots to do today. First, I need to compose a letter supporting my daughter's disdain for the elective class schedule she was assigned. She was very disappointed by the fact that she didn't get a single foreign language. For a year now, she has been thinking of majoring in Linguistics. She thought that studying a foreign language might help her to decide if that is indeed her path. I want to articulate, that I too think that its unfair for lots of reasons. Last year, she let the computer choose her electives and she chose to take Robotics. She ended up with Dance and Study Hall for her other elective(s) and it was just okay.

She has been assigned Dance again, but I can tell she isn't interested in another term of Dance. She just isn't the Dance type if you ask me. She is basically a hard-core academic girl. If there was ever anyone to diagram a sentence I would pick my daughter over anyone else. She understands English and has been a reader since 3rd grade. She used to say that books were her friends. She was so taken by Mark Twain when she read Tom Sawyer she built a raft out of cardboard box and used to sleep in it during the 4th grade. I used to worry that she was overly absorbed with this story. Everytime it rained, I would think that my 4th grader was probably in an arroyo with the "raft" she constructed.

I don't know if other parents have these same types of concerns for their children. I just know how passionate Taylor has been about books and reading. My heart aches when I see that she is not being fufilled in her academic study. She is always willing to accept what we choose to give her. She does not have high expectations for her classroom experience. The Rio Rancho mid-high is quite crowded and she can tell that many of her teachers are simply tired. She accepts this condition because she is unconditionally empathetic and respectful of the human condition. She understands that there are many students far worse off then herself. She can always disappear into a book afterall. She therefore fails to challenge her teachers in academic discourse. Part of the educational process is to challenge and debate in order to gain deeper meaning. For my child, this isn't happening and I can tell you that I'm somewhat disappointed because this needs to happen so that she is able to grow at the higher levels of Bloom's Taxonomy.

When Taylor read some of the advice given to me regarding this topic on my facebook page she laughed. One of my friends recommended that her letter outline a new elective schedule where she would attend her chosen courses period. Additionally, it warned the Vice Principal to be prepared to throw her out of these classes.

Taylor's response to this was, your friend is recommending I become mutiness? She laughed about it. Taylor does not whole heartedly laugh alot. She is a serious girl. I'm not sure what exactly her letter will say, but I can tell you that she was upset. That she is disappointed. I think that you should try to give her a foreign language course, and if you cannot then you should provide her with an explanation.

Now, I know that as a parent and a licensed teacher myself, I could prepare a more academic discussion outlining the reasons why I think that you should reconsider. That, there are many things wrong with our educational system and some of the messages that are conveyed here should be addressed namely:

• Tay has helped Rio Rancho schools meet NCLB requirements since fifth grade when we relocated to this district. The way to pay her back for this is by giving her electives she doesn't want, so she can become demotivated because people who perform well and exceed requirements are not rewarded for their efforts in anyway. Additionally, they should be further conditioned to think that they are not deserving. This is a reality for many youth and we must present reality.
• US schools and culture has a long history of assimilation. An Asian language would be culturally relevent to me and my children. It shouldn't be allowed for this reason.
• We want to make sure that kids that have the ability and emotional academic stamina to study hard core subjects are well-rounded so we give them dance and other creative outlets for their own benefit. Nevermind the fact, that the United States is ranked behind other industrial nations in academics. The one size fits all model had better work at all costs.

I can only hope that these reasons are not pertinent, but there is a side of me that is concerned. Should I be? Is there any chance that you are infact demotivating my child? Does this have to do with assimilation? Are we progressing toward a "one model fits all" methodology that doesn't necessarily serve the needs of academically capable students? Again, I would like you to reconsider my daughter's elective schedule. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,